epiphany

I get dreams about the weirdest things in the weirdest places.  But then that’s par for the course…and I should be more than used to it by now.  Although in the past year or so, my dream quality has been upgraded to HD.  When I get the good dreams, everything is fine and dandy but when it’s the other kind, I find myself wishing for graininess and smudges all around. 

The latest was neither good nor bad, just question marks.  The queens were in Laiya for the weekend to introduce the royal canines to the beach.  Please refer to The House of Queens if you’re curious as to the results of that introduction.  Anyway, after a battle lost against night insects who employ the very effective methodology of dive bombing for one’s ears, we finally settled down with our respective devices…in hindsight, I should have bought stock in Apple.

The dream was mainly about a game of tag mixed with hide and seek during a party in a house of an old friend.  The old friend draws me to one side to mention that he’s separating from his wife.   *What follows here has been redacted for reasons of personal paranoia.  Pertinent details can be found on the burgundy marble table in the room with the pythons dancing around a headless lion, 18th floor, northwest wing of the KMP.*  Then there was a girl fight which was resolved by the old friend getting his picture taken with the police politico-style.  Then I wake up.

My realization upon waking up is that I don’t really need my list with the 40-something supposed requirements.  All those items have coalesced into one definite thing.

- image from deviantart.com

thought

There was a crimson underwing moth flying around the house yesterday.  It kept flying at me which totally freaked me out.  I can do insects as long as they don't fly at me.  I believe that moths carry the souls of the dead which is why I avoid killing them.  I really didn't want to kill this particular one because of my ink.  This is more than coincidence.  Call me crazy (and you wouldn't be the first) but I think this means something.  I looked it up and the Catocala are commonly found in Eurasia and North America.  There are some species in Thailand and Borneo but rarely in Manila.

Symbolic meanings for the moth ranges from dreams, perception, intuition, awareness, adjustment to concealment and protection.

Can I ask the universe to not be so cryptic?  My track record is a little spotty when it comes to reading the signs.  Like I said, my crystal ball has been very fuzzy of late.

choosing

Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 11 - I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

Cristina asked Meredith; "If you had to choose between the thing you love to do and the person you love, which would you choose?"

Case summary: An opera singer is admitted complaining of bronchitis.  Diagnosis: Pleural Mesothelioma (Cancer of the membrane lining the lungs and chest cavity)  Possible courses of action: Removal of affected pleura and/or pneumonectomy plus chemotherapy and radiation.

Patient's reply: "I sing, it's my entire life...I’m big.  Too big.  I don’t fit in airplane seats.  And, as Jeff is always telling me, my feelings don’t always fit the situation.  If my food is overcooked in a restaurant, I get enraged.  I want to kill the waiter.  But I don’t.  I politely ask him to take my meal back and bring it to me the way I asked for it.  I spend my days making myself smaller.  Acceptable.  And that’s okay.  Because at night, when I go onstage, I get to experience the world the way I feel it.  With indescribable rage.  And unbearable sadness.  And huge passion.  At night, onstage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave.  And if I can’t do that, if all I have left is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live.”

The whole "Be Yourself" schtick has been peddled from here to Timbuktu in a gazillion books and movies.  They can present it in a dozen, different ways or in a hundred, different languages but I think that opera singer said it best.  The world tells you to be true to who you really are but what if your real SELF is not something the world finds "nice" or deems "acceptable" by the normal, social parameters?  Why does the world tell you to "Be Yourself"; but if that self does not fit into the mold, the world will try to break you and if you resist long enough, it rejects you like a broken cookie.

To the world: Stop contradicting yourself.  Stop forcing me into the mold.  Stop making me choose.  Stop insisting I make myself small.

irony

It's a day where you are celebrated, supposedly.  Usually there's a party, gifts and well wishes.  The nightmare has experienced all three but has never found an instance in all 34 instances where this day lived up to what it's supposed to be.  It has always fallen flat or been one of the worst days of the year.  Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes, not.  Maybe it's an expectation thing again because we can't remember when was the last time we actually looked forward to this day.  We don't know why it has never been a GREAT day.  All we know it's always been bad or ok.  We've settled for ok.  In fact, with the past five years, we hoped and prayed for ok so much that we try to figuratively hide under a rock.  Think going into the shelter until the storm passes.  

It's just another day, it's just another day, it's just another day... 

nightmare trivia

1. I can survive being marooned on an island alone...as long as I have a never-ending supply of books and dvds plus a high speed Internet connection.  
2. I eat VEERRY slow...and I hate being rushed.
3. I lose weight during Christmas...and I don't exercise.
4. I go into lizard mode if left too long under the sun.
5. I am usually late because I hate waiting.
6. There are VERY few people that I consider to be REAL friends...
7. Even if I am now awake during the day, my brain still works best at night.
8. I used to be left-brained...
9. Never been in a relationship.
10. Crowds make me cranky.
11. Self-proclaimed snob.
12. At the last count, 90% of my guy friends are gay...
13. My body always wakes up 30 minutes to an hour before my brain does...
14. Sarcasm is the best answer to stupidity.
15. I made the decision to stop needing, wanting and trying for others' approval during my first year in college.
16. Dessert, soup, then the salad are my favorite courses in most meals.
17. I have been keeping a yearly journal of my doings since high school.
18. My brain recognizes only two states; black and white...most of the time.  
19. Equivocation is something that comes naturally.
20. I realized a couple of years ago that I am not one of those who can work in a job that they don't really like in order to have the money to do what they really want.
21. I do not make plans nor set goals for the future.
22. Trying everything once is necessary as long as one remembers that addiction is a luxury.
23. Given a choice, I'd rather take a boat over a plane.
24. I can taste smells.
25. I compartmentalize...
26. If you're going to do something bad, don't get caught.  If you get caught, man up.
27. I am allergic to the color pink.
28. Over analyzing is a hobby.
29. Organizing is a form of relaxation.
30. Living near water is a must
31. I always prefer the book over the movie.

32. I am very good at arguing the black and grey sides.

33.

27

The following questionnaire is based on research and experiences of socialised psychopaths.  For each trait, decide if it applies to the person you suspect may be a socialised psychopath, fully (2 points), partially (1 point) or not at all (0 points).

Do they have problems sustaining stable relationships, personally and in business?

Do they frequently manipulate others to achieve selfish goals, with no consideration of the effects on those manipulated?

Are they cavalier about the truth, and capable of telling lies to your face? 

Do they have an air of self-importance, regardless of their true standing in society? 

Have they no apparent sense of remorse, shame or guilt? 

Is their charm superficial, and capable of being switched on to suit immediate ends? 

Are they easily bored and demand constant stimulation? 

Are their displays of human emotion unconvincing? 

Do they enjoy taking risks, and acting on reckless impulse? 

Are they quick to blame others for their mistakes? 

As teenagers, did they resent authority, play truant and/or steal? 

Do they have no qualms about sponging off others? 

Are they quick to lose their temper? 

Are they sexually promiscuous? 

Do they have a belligerent, bullying manner? 

Are they unrealistic about their long-term aims? 

Do they lack any ability to empathise with others? 

Would you regard them as essentially irresponsible?

A score of 25 or above suggests strong psychopathic tendencies.  This does not mean the person is a potential mass-murderer: socialised psychopaths are not mad, nor do they have to resort to violence.  Even so, a close professional or emotional relationship with a socialised psychopath is likely to prove a damaging experience.


From: http://www.cix.co.uk/~klockstone/teleg.htm

mama mary

October is the month of the Holy Rosary.  Being the good, Catholic girl that is this nightmare, it had completely slipped my mind until last Thursday.  My dad mentioned that he would be doing a photo shoot of the Virgin Mary since he noticed an exhibit of Marian statues in HP.  I guess something "struck" him so he decided to go back the next day with his camera and studio lights.

Since this nightmare's schedule is busier than a bee during spring, she decided to spend the afternoon playing photographer's assistant.  Rather, the-ac-is-off-so-I-will-complain-a-lot-then-disappear-into-the-bookstore type of assistant.

I remember a conversation this nightmare had with Jam Mayer where we realized we couldn't not be Catholic because of our relationship with the Virgin Mary.  We give her almost as much headaches as we give to God.

In Catholicism, there are probably as many Marys as there are saints.  She unstintingly prays for everyone and everything with no conditions.  She comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.  This exhibit had around 50 statues that were all on loan from individuals and families; showing a very good range of the different Marys.  Now I remember why Barbie sometimes reminded me of Mary.

My favorites 

The Marys that are a little different from what I grew up with

All images by Edwin Celestino

baggage

Everyone has baggage.  This nightmare carries about 10 pounds of baggage whenever she leaves the house.  And this is the same no matter how big or small the bag.  When tiny bags were the norm, mine looked like a hamster.  With the big bags now, I have a tendency to keep adding stuff until my shoulder screams bloody murder at me.  Spring cleaning the other day showed my wallet, kikay kit, the for-all-possible-semi-emergencies kit, a Starbucks tumbler, cologne, alcohol, throat spray, Envirosax, 3 lip balms, brush, planner, notebook, 3 tech pens, 1 clutch pencil, 1 automatic eraser, iPod, shades, planner, a book and snacks...yes, I NEED all of that.

and I quote

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do; and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

- Dr. Seuss

-------------------

I’d began to realize that there was an unspoken prejudice among book-learned people, a secret conviction they all seem to share; that life as we know it is an imperfect vision of reality, and that only art, like a pair of reading glasses can correct it.  They could never reconcile themselves to the idea that our lives don't follow the dramatic arc that a good author gives to a literary character.  Only in accidents of pure perfection does the world actually become a stage.  And that, they seemed to think, was a shame.

- The Rule of Four

Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason

--------------------

There is no sin except stupidity.

- Oscar Wilde

---------------------

The true method of knowledge is experiment.

- William Blake

----------------------

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue

- Voltaire

----------------------

So few things happen to us that we have to undergo
Most of the time, we're double, we can stand outside and see an event
- hope, fear, anticipate, judge
And then something happens where we have no room for though or imagining
- where what happens is real and all that is real.
We talk a lot about living fully, but the last thing we want is to live anything through
We think that sort of single-minded grief is insanity,
But is it only an acknowledgement of a factual truth; an intolerable truth


- AS Byatt
-----------------------

define in six

In 2006, the editors at Smith Magazine asked their readers to describe their respective lives in 6 words.  The result was a book that is mostly funny, sometimes weird and never boring.  They also created a website where anyone can add their six words to a growing database.

Six Word Memoirs

This is mine so far: Books. Detached. Thrifting. Nothing finished, learning.

How would you define your life?

hitler is alive!!!

After almost 4 hours in España traffic, The House of Queens, My Unpublished Life and this nightmare ended up in Greenbelt 5 for dinner.  Le Maison was a nightmare and not in a good way.  But that's another story.  Let's leave it at the food was good, everything else, not.  THoQ floated the idea that maybe my minions were in revolt over something which is why its never a good experience when I eat in restaurants in Greenbelt 5.  Will have to cogitate over that because the probability is very high.

We had dessert at Terrace at the 5th; which was GOOD.  THoQ talked about that here.  Coffee plus coffee panna cotta plus frozen brazo de mercedes equals burp, burp, burp!!!

In the middle of dessert, we had a visitor.  I always thought he didn't commit suicide.  Does reincarnation count as still alive?  

Ain't he so cute?  He refused to open his eyes whenever the camera was trained on him no matter what the incentive.

totem

This nightmare is a mystical empiricist.  Does that make sense?  Illogically, in a contradictory manner, probably.  

Let me clarify...

I learn best through experience; sometimes firsthand, sometimes vicarious.  If it cannot somehow be qualified and quantified, I have a hard time comprehending it.  I had to research the different chemicals and what parts of the brain are working when one "feels" love to understand that concept.  But I believe in the things that go bump in the night.  I have lucky charms and superstitions.  When something gets lost, I blame the dwarves that live in my house and follow me around.

This is one of my totems.  It always has to stay on top of the headboard because it stands guard while I sleep...At least until I become a vampire and no longer need sleep...;P

love

I read...a lot.  Books and reading was something that was automatic growing up.  It was never something I felt I had to learn because EVERYONE in my family reads.  My mom used to use the bookstore as a day care center when she had to run errands.  She'd let my brother and me choose 2-3 books, we'd look for an out of the way corner and she'd leave us after pointing out which sales girl to go to if we wanted more books.  Books, instead of toys were used as rewards for good behavior for my brother and me.  I remember asking for clothes or toys and my mom would always say that it was too expensive but when I bring 5-10 books to the register, it was always "That's it?".

You will see books almost everywhere in my house, even in the kitchen and bathrooms.  Both of my grandfathers dedicated one room in their houses as libraries so the smell of wood and old paper makes for a very vivid childhood memory.  My uncles would always be trading books and this is something that my cousins and I still do.  Books have even been used as leverage in family arguments.  I held my brother's Tolkien hostage for two weeks because he refused to let go of the remote.  Don't think first editions because none of our books are for display.  Dog ears, cracked spines, oily fingers, everything that would make a collector cringe.  Although I draw the line at tearing pages out, I've been known to use the blank pages as notebooks in a pinch.

Every time I move, my books comprise 35-40% of my stuff.  Aside from fixing my closet, packing, unpacking then arranging the books on the shelves is my official moved-in moment.  Makes me wonder what would happen if I have to move to another country.

As of this year, I have officially run out of shelf space.  Since the installation of new shelves is not possible, I have taken to bed and floor filing... 

entomology 101

the lesson of the moth
By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927


i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires


why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense


plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves


and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity


but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself


archy