epiphany

I get dreams about the weirdest things in the weirdest places.  But then that’s par for the course…and I should be more than used to it by now.  Although in the past year or so, my dream quality has been upgraded to HD.  When I get the good dreams, everything is fine and dandy but when it’s the other kind, I find myself wishing for graininess and smudges all around. 

The latest was neither good nor bad, just question marks.  The queens were in Laiya for the weekend to introduce the royal canines to the beach.  Please refer to The House of Queens if you’re curious as to the results of that introduction.  Anyway, after a battle lost against night insects who employ the very effective methodology of dive bombing for one’s ears, we finally settled down with our respective devices…in hindsight, I should have bought stock in Apple.

The dream was mainly about a game of tag mixed with hide and seek during a party in a house of an old friend.  The old friend draws me to one side to mention that he’s separating from his wife.   *What follows here has been redacted for reasons of personal paranoia.  Pertinent details can be found on the burgundy marble table in the room with the pythons dancing around a headless lion, 18th floor, northwest wing of the KMP.*  Then there was a girl fight which was resolved by the old friend getting his picture taken with the police politico-style.  Then I wake up.

My realization upon waking up is that I don’t really need my list with the 40-something supposed requirements.  All those items have coalesced into one definite thing.

- image from deviantart.com

no man is an island

 

But God saw fit to put me on one…

lonely planet?

The nightmare lives on an island.  Ok, technically an archipelago...whatever.  The last week was spent "exploring" (and that term is used very loosely) one of the 7,000 plus islands that make up this part of the world.  We are ever so glad that we decided to go slightly off the tourist walks and to be against the flow.

lazy day

This was taken outside my bedroom window.  Note the extremely disgruntled expression on Mr. White since I inadvertently disturbed his siesta...

choosing

Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 11 - I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

Cristina asked Meredith; "If you had to choose between the thing you love to do and the person you love, which would you choose?"

Case summary: An opera singer is admitted complaining of bronchitis.  Diagnosis: Pleural Mesothelioma (Cancer of the membrane lining the lungs and chest cavity)  Possible courses of action: Removal of affected pleura and/or pneumonectomy plus chemotherapy and radiation.

Patient's reply: "I sing, it's my entire life...I’m big.  Too big.  I don’t fit in airplane seats.  And, as Jeff is always telling me, my feelings don’t always fit the situation.  If my food is overcooked in a restaurant, I get enraged.  I want to kill the waiter.  But I don’t.  I politely ask him to take my meal back and bring it to me the way I asked for it.  I spend my days making myself smaller.  Acceptable.  And that’s okay.  Because at night, when I go onstage, I get to experience the world the way I feel it.  With indescribable rage.  And unbearable sadness.  And huge passion.  At night, onstage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave.  And if I can’t do that, if all I have left is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live.”

The whole "Be Yourself" schtick has been peddled from here to Timbuktu in a gazillion books and movies.  They can present it in a dozen, different ways or in a hundred, different languages but I think that opera singer said it best.  The world tells you to be true to who you really are but what if your real SELF is not something the world finds "nice" or deems "acceptable" by the normal, social parameters?  Why does the world tell you to "Be Yourself"; but if that self does not fit into the mold, the world will try to break you and if you resist long enough, it rejects you like a broken cookie.

To the world: Stop contradicting yourself.  Stop forcing me into the mold.  Stop making me choose.  Stop insisting I make myself small.

chills every time

irony

It's a day where you are celebrated, supposedly.  Usually there's a party, gifts and well wishes.  The nightmare has experienced all three but has never found an instance in all 34 instances where this day lived up to what it's supposed to be.  It has always fallen flat or been one of the worst days of the year.  Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes, not.  Maybe it's an expectation thing again because we can't remember when was the last time we actually looked forward to this day.  We don't know why it has never been a GREAT day.  All we know it's always been bad or ok.  We've settled for ok.  In fact, with the past five years, we hoped and prayed for ok so much that we try to figuratively hide under a rock.  Think going into the shelter until the storm passes.  

It's just another day, it's just another day, it's just another day... 

nightmare trivia

1. I can survive being marooned on an island alone...as long as I have a never-ending supply of books and dvds plus a high speed Internet connection.  
2. I eat VEERRY slow...and I hate being rushed.
3. I lose weight during Christmas...and I don't exercise.
4. I go into lizard mode if left too long under the sun.
5. I am usually late because I hate waiting.
6. There are VERY few people that I consider to be REAL friends...
7. Even if I am now awake during the day, my brain still works best at night.
8. I used to be left-brained...
9. Never been in a relationship.
10. Crowds make me cranky.
11. Self-proclaimed snob.
12. At the last count, 90% of my guy friends are gay...
13. My body always wakes up 30 minutes to an hour before my brain does...
14. Sarcasm is the best answer to stupidity.
15. I made the decision to stop needing, wanting and trying for others' approval during my first year in college.
16. Dessert, soup, then the salad are my favorite courses in most meals.
17. I have been keeping a yearly journal of my doings since high school.
18. My brain recognizes only two states; black and white...most of the time.  
19. Equivocation is something that comes naturally.
20. I realized a couple of years ago that I am not one of those who can work in a job that they don't really like in order to have the money to do what they really want.
21. I do not make plans nor set goals for the future.
22. Trying everything once is necessary as long as one remembers that addiction is a luxury.
23. Given a choice, I'd rather take a boat over a plane.
24. I can taste smells.
25. I compartmentalize...
26. If you're going to do something bad, don't get caught.  If you get caught, man up.
27. I am allergic to the color pink.
28. Over analyzing is a hobby.
29. Organizing is a form of relaxation.
30. Living near water is a must
31. I always prefer the book over the movie.

32. I am very good at arguing the black and grey sides.

33.

mama mary

October is the month of the Holy Rosary.  Being the good, Catholic girl that is this nightmare, it had completely slipped my mind until last Thursday.  My dad mentioned that he would be doing a photo shoot of the Virgin Mary since he noticed an exhibit of Marian statues in HP.  I guess something "struck" him so he decided to go back the next day with his camera and studio lights.

Since this nightmare's schedule is busier than a bee during spring, she decided to spend the afternoon playing photographer's assistant.  Rather, the-ac-is-off-so-I-will-complain-a-lot-then-disappear-into-the-bookstore type of assistant.

I remember a conversation this nightmare had with Jam Mayer where we realized we couldn't not be Catholic because of our relationship with the Virgin Mary.  We give her almost as much headaches as we give to God.

In Catholicism, there are probably as many Marys as there are saints.  She unstintingly prays for everyone and everything with no conditions.  She comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.  This exhibit had around 50 statues that were all on loan from individuals and families; showing a very good range of the different Marys.  Now I remember why Barbie sometimes reminded me of Mary.

My favorites 

The Marys that are a little different from what I grew up with

All images by Edwin Celestino

shoes

I can't help it!  I am a girl therefore I love shoes!!!  Ok, slight generalization but it's mostly true.  Most of my shoes live in shoe condos and apartments.  Some live alone and others live with friends or family.  The Polaroid thing was too much effort so I stuck with Post-its.  Mental note: need to build additional housing for new arrivals to the community.  Also some members need to be exercised as they are gaining weight and starting to let themselves go. *crack whip*

totem

This nightmare is a mystical empiricist.  Does that make sense?  Illogically, in a contradictory manner, probably.  

Let me clarify...

I learn best through experience; sometimes firsthand, sometimes vicarious.  If it cannot somehow be qualified and quantified, I have a hard time comprehending it.  I had to research the different chemicals and what parts of the brain are working when one "feels" love to understand that concept.  But I believe in the things that go bump in the night.  I have lucky charms and superstitions.  When something gets lost, I blame the dwarves that live in my house and follow me around.

This is one of my totems.  It always has to stay on top of the headboard because it stands guard while I sleep...At least until I become a vampire and no longer need sleep...;P