lonely planet?

The nightmare lives on an island.  Ok, technically an archipelago...whatever.  The last week was spent "exploring" (and that term is used very loosely) one of the 7,000 plus islands that make up this part of the world.  We are ever so glad that we decided to go slightly off the tourist walks and to be against the flow.

wizard of oz

If I were to ever play Dorothy, these shoes would be written into my contract as an absolute requirement...

Alexander Wang F/W 2011 from TalkShoes.com

choosing

Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 11 - I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

Cristina asked Meredith; "If you had to choose between the thing you love to do and the person you love, which would you choose?"

Case summary: An opera singer is admitted complaining of bronchitis.  Diagnosis: Pleural Mesothelioma (Cancer of the membrane lining the lungs and chest cavity)  Possible courses of action: Removal of affected pleura and/or pneumonectomy plus chemotherapy and radiation.

Patient's reply: "I sing, it's my entire life...I’m big.  Too big.  I don’t fit in airplane seats.  And, as Jeff is always telling me, my feelings don’t always fit the situation.  If my food is overcooked in a restaurant, I get enraged.  I want to kill the waiter.  But I don’t.  I politely ask him to take my meal back and bring it to me the way I asked for it.  I spend my days making myself smaller.  Acceptable.  And that’s okay.  Because at night, when I go onstage, I get to experience the world the way I feel it.  With indescribable rage.  And unbearable sadness.  And huge passion.  At night, onstage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave.  And if I can’t do that, if all I have left is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live.”

The whole "Be Yourself" schtick has been peddled from here to Timbuktu in a gazillion books and movies.  They can present it in a dozen, different ways or in a hundred, different languages but I think that opera singer said it best.  The world tells you to be true to who you really are but what if your real SELF is not something the world finds "nice" or deems "acceptable" by the normal, social parameters?  Why does the world tell you to "Be Yourself"; but if that self does not fit into the mold, the world will try to break you and if you resist long enough, it rejects you like a broken cookie.

To the world: Stop contradicting yourself.  Stop forcing me into the mold.  Stop making me choose.  Stop insisting I make myself small.

irony

It's a day where you are celebrated, supposedly.  Usually there's a party, gifts and well wishes.  The nightmare has experienced all three but has never found an instance in all 34 instances where this day lived up to what it's supposed to be.  It has always fallen flat or been one of the worst days of the year.  Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes, not.  Maybe it's an expectation thing again because we can't remember when was the last time we actually looked forward to this day.  We don't know why it has never been a GREAT day.  All we know it's always been bad or ok.  We've settled for ok.  In fact, with the past five years, we hoped and prayed for ok so much that we try to figuratively hide under a rock.  Think going into the shelter until the storm passes.  

It's just another day, it's just another day, it's just another day... 

nightmare trivia

1. I can survive being marooned on an island alone...as long as I have a never-ending supply of books and dvds plus a high speed Internet connection.  
2. I eat VEERRY slow...and I hate being rushed.
3. I lose weight during Christmas...and I don't exercise.
4. I go into lizard mode if left too long under the sun.
5. I am usually late because I hate waiting.
6. There are VERY few people that I consider to be REAL friends...
7. Even if I am now awake during the day, my brain still works best at night.
8. I used to be left-brained...
9. Never been in a relationship.
10. Crowds make me cranky.
11. Self-proclaimed snob.
12. At the last count, 90% of my guy friends are gay...
13. My body always wakes up 30 minutes to an hour before my brain does...
14. Sarcasm is the best answer to stupidity.
15. I made the decision to stop needing, wanting and trying for others' approval during my first year in college.
16. Dessert, soup, then the salad are my favorite courses in most meals.
17. I have been keeping a yearly journal of my doings since high school.
18. My brain recognizes only two states; black and white...most of the time.  
19. Equivocation is something that comes naturally.
20. I realized a couple of years ago that I am not one of those who can work in a job that they don't really like in order to have the money to do what they really want.
21. I do not make plans nor set goals for the future.
22. Trying everything once is necessary as long as one remembers that addiction is a luxury.
23. Given a choice, I'd rather take a boat over a plane.
24. I can taste smells.
25. I compartmentalize...
26. If you're going to do something bad, don't get caught.  If you get caught, man up.
27. I am allergic to the color pink.
28. Over analyzing is a hobby.
29. Organizing is a form of relaxation.
30. Living near water is a must
31. I always prefer the book over the movie.

32. I am very good at arguing the black and grey sides.

33.

27

The following questionnaire is based on research and experiences of socialised psychopaths.  For each trait, decide if it applies to the person you suspect may be a socialised psychopath, fully (2 points), partially (1 point) or not at all (0 points).

Do they have problems sustaining stable relationships, personally and in business?

Do they frequently manipulate others to achieve selfish goals, with no consideration of the effects on those manipulated?

Are they cavalier about the truth, and capable of telling lies to your face? 

Do they have an air of self-importance, regardless of their true standing in society? 

Have they no apparent sense of remorse, shame or guilt? 

Is their charm superficial, and capable of being switched on to suit immediate ends? 

Are they easily bored and demand constant stimulation? 

Are their displays of human emotion unconvincing? 

Do they enjoy taking risks, and acting on reckless impulse? 

Are they quick to blame others for their mistakes? 

As teenagers, did they resent authority, play truant and/or steal? 

Do they have no qualms about sponging off others? 

Are they quick to lose their temper? 

Are they sexually promiscuous? 

Do they have a belligerent, bullying manner? 

Are they unrealistic about their long-term aims? 

Do they lack any ability to empathise with others? 

Would you regard them as essentially irresponsible?

A score of 25 or above suggests strong psychopathic tendencies.  This does not mean the person is a potential mass-murderer: socialised psychopaths are not mad, nor do they have to resort to violence.  Even so, a close professional or emotional relationship with a socialised psychopath is likely to prove a damaging experience.


From: http://www.cix.co.uk/~klockstone/teleg.htm

valentine

Normally, this nightmare abhors hearts.  Due to its association with that pretender of a holiday, the heart is a pretender shape that I will always pass over.  But this was the exception.  It's green, has eyes and look like an alien...perfect!

baggage

Everyone has baggage.  This nightmare carries about 10 pounds of baggage whenever she leaves the house.  And this is the same no matter how big or small the bag.  When tiny bags were the norm, mine looked like a hamster.  With the big bags now, I have a tendency to keep adding stuff until my shoulder screams bloody murder at me.  Spring cleaning the other day showed my wallet, kikay kit, the for-all-possible-semi-emergencies kit, a Starbucks tumbler, cologne, alcohol, throat spray, Envirosax, 3 lip balms, brush, planner, notebook, 3 tech pens, 1 clutch pencil, 1 automatic eraser, iPod, shades, planner, a book and snacks...yes, I NEED all of that.

and I quote

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do; and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

- Dr. Seuss

-------------------

I’d began to realize that there was an unspoken prejudice among book-learned people, a secret conviction they all seem to share; that life as we know it is an imperfect vision of reality, and that only art, like a pair of reading glasses can correct it.  They could never reconcile themselves to the idea that our lives don't follow the dramatic arc that a good author gives to a literary character.  Only in accidents of pure perfection does the world actually become a stage.  And that, they seemed to think, was a shame.

- The Rule of Four

Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason

--------------------

There is no sin except stupidity.

- Oscar Wilde

---------------------

The true method of knowledge is experiment.

- William Blake

----------------------

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue

- Voltaire

----------------------

So few things happen to us that we have to undergo
Most of the time, we're double, we can stand outside and see an event
- hope, fear, anticipate, judge
And then something happens where we have no room for though or imagining
- where what happens is real and all that is real.
We talk a lot about living fully, but the last thing we want is to live anything through
We think that sort of single-minded grief is insanity,
But is it only an acknowledgement of a factual truth; an intolerable truth


- AS Byatt
-----------------------

shoes

I can't help it!  I am a girl therefore I love shoes!!!  Ok, slight generalization but it's mostly true.  Most of my shoes live in shoe condos and apartments.  Some live alone and others live with friends or family.  The Polaroid thing was too much effort so I stuck with Post-its.  Mental note: need to build additional housing for new arrivals to the community.  Also some members need to be exercised as they are gaining weight and starting to let themselves go. *crack whip*

ooh la la

I love this look.  I want to be her.  I want to look like this EVERY DAMN DAY.  This is more than wolf whistle sexy; this is lose-your-train-of-thought chic.  Dolce & Gabbana Spring 2011.  Italian sensuality at its best.  The Sartorialist has more on this...Happy 5th!!!

image from the sartorialist

define in six

In 2006, the editors at Smith Magazine asked their readers to describe their respective lives in 6 words.  The result was a book that is mostly funny, sometimes weird and never boring.  They also created a website where anyone can add their six words to a growing database.

Six Word Memoirs

This is mine so far: Books. Detached. Thrifting. Nothing finished, learning.

How would you define your life?

when I'm feeling blue...

While I was going through my closet the other week, I suddenly realized that my navy blues have significantly increased.  Usually this isn't a color I automatically go for because blue is one of those where finding the right shade and hue is a pain.  Too cool, too warm, too black, too royal, too grey...you get my drift...Some of you might think "It's navy blue...duh!".  This nightmare's response to that would be to ask you to remember a certain scene from The Devil Wears Prada.  If you haven't seen it, go watch it.  But if you're THAT type of person, I've transcribed the dialogue of one of the best cinematic put-downs I've seen, for you below.

MIRANDA: "You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select, I don't know that lumpy blue sweater, for instance...because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back.  But what you don't know is that that sweater is not just blue.  It's not turquoise.  It's not lapis.  It's actually cerulean.  And you're also blithely unaware of the fact...that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns.  And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent, wasn't it, who showed cerulean military jackets?  I think we need a jacket here, mmm.  And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers.  And then it filtered down through the department stores...and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner...where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin.  However, that blue represents millions of dollars...and countless jobs  And it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry; when, in fact you're wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room...from a pile of stuff."

You're probably asking now, why does it even matter what shade or hue one wears.  It matters if you come from a family where both parents are fashion photographers.  Arguments about color is normal dinner conversation.

h&m

sinequanone

kookai

vivienne westwood

unknown

love

I read...a lot.  Books and reading was something that was automatic growing up.  It was never something I felt I had to learn because EVERYONE in my family reads.  My mom used to use the bookstore as a day care center when she had to run errands.  She'd let my brother and me choose 2-3 books, we'd look for an out of the way corner and she'd leave us after pointing out which sales girl to go to if we wanted more books.  Books, instead of toys were used as rewards for good behavior for my brother and me.  I remember asking for clothes or toys and my mom would always say that it was too expensive but when I bring 5-10 books to the register, it was always "That's it?".

You will see books almost everywhere in my house, even in the kitchen and bathrooms.  Both of my grandfathers dedicated one room in their houses as libraries so the smell of wood and old paper makes for a very vivid childhood memory.  My uncles would always be trading books and this is something that my cousins and I still do.  Books have even been used as leverage in family arguments.  I held my brother's Tolkien hostage for two weeks because he refused to let go of the remote.  Don't think first editions because none of our books are for display.  Dog ears, cracked spines, oily fingers, everything that would make a collector cringe.  Although I draw the line at tearing pages out, I've been known to use the blank pages as notebooks in a pinch.

Every time I move, my books comprise 35-40% of my stuff.  Aside from fixing my closet, packing, unpacking then arranging the books on the shelves is my official moved-in moment.  Makes me wonder what would happen if I have to move to another country.

As of this year, I have officially run out of shelf space.  Since the installation of new shelves is not possible, I have taken to bed and floor filing... 

peeking out

image by marta bevacqua

I stay indoors most of the time.  I once went two weeks straight without stepping out the front door.  I am comfortable being alone.  My house sits on a street that used to be a beach.  It has a wall that is a  window that overlooks the street and I can watch the world pass by.  My mom has a potted garden of sorts so the vines creep up the wall so the world outside cannot really see me, seeing them.

I looked up agoraphobia and the symptoms don't really fit and it isn't really "fear".  More of an intense dislike of having to deal with the paramecia that abound in this world.  Part of my stress avoidance.

schizophrenia benefit

entomology 101

the lesson of the moth
By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927


i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires


why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense


plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves


and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity


but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself


archy

misanthropy defined: wikipedia

While misanthropes express a general dislike for humanity on the whole, they typically have normal relationships with individual members of society. Misanthropy may be motivated by feelings of isolation or social alienation, or simply contempt for the perceived prevailing characteristics of humanity.

Misanthropy is commonly misinterpreted and distorted as a widespread and individualized hatred of humans. Because of this, a great number of false negative tie-ins are often associated with the term. An extreme misanthrope may indeed hate the human species generally, but it does not necessarily entail psychopathy. Misanthropes can hold normal and intimate relationships with people, but they will often be very few and far between. They will typically be very selective with whom they choose to associate. This is also where their aversion is most prevalent, because their perspective may show an overriding contempt towards common human faults and weaknesses in others and, in some cases, themselves.

It is because of that aversion that most misanthropes will often be categorized as loners, living in seclusion. They may not find solace or effective functioning in society as a result of their perspective. However, effectively functioning in society may have little or no value to the misanthrope, and the prospect of fitting into their culture may seem unnecessary or undesirable.

Misanthropy can often be characterized as disillusionment with what is perceived to be human nature. The misanthrope, having grown to expect humanity to assume a romantic and simplistic ideal, is consistently confronted with conflicting evidence. On the other hand, the object of a misanthrope's dislike may be a pervasive culture which is perceived as denying human nature. In both cases, the misanthrope may (or may not) view themselves as somehow distinct from a majority of the human species. Many misanthropes often express a highly sarcastic sense of humour, and often have a preference for various forms of social or political satire.

Overt expressions of misanthropy are common in satire and comedy, although intense misanthropy is generally rare. Subtler expressions are far more common, especially for those pointing out the shortcomings of humanity.

autobiography

I had to write an autobiography as part of an application to an unnamed company. This is what spewed out...

----------------------------------------

You’re born, you live, you die; cycle of life. Zero control over the first, partial over the third and relatively total control over the living part. I say relative because we make choices as we go through our lives. We do exercise free will but the source of the actual choice comes from everything and everyone around us. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. For a partially obsessive-compulsive bookworm, the thought of not having complete control over anything can be scary but at the same time, liberating. My coping mechanism is to divide everything up into controllable and uncontrollable parts therefore avoiding as much unnecessary stress as possible.

Uncontrollable: I was born 33 years ago; 5 months after my parents were married. My dad’s best friend asked me once if I knew that I was a preemie. My response was a smile and a sarcastic remark.

Controllable: St. Scholastica’s College Manila for my primary and secondary education, DLSU-College of St. Benilde for the tertiary. The last I left before receiving that rolled up piece of parchment which would have been purchased with several hundred thousand pesos of my parents’ money and is the only evidence of 4 years of blood, sweat, and tears. The highlight of those collegiate years was a stint as the Features Editor of my college paper where I terrorized my writers with a red Sharpie. Eventually, I realized that everything I was learning in the classroom was prehistoric compared to what was being used in the real world of my chosen field. So I decided to get a “practical” education.

Uncontrollable: The Philippine economy at that time. Nothing was available in my line of work.

Controllable: Opted for the scenic route and entered the unknown field of call centers. I figured that if I can’t use the left side of my brain, I’d use the right. Joining Adobe Tech Support was the perfect segue as I was required to spend the entire day playing in PhotoShop while trying to explain to some idiot in the Asia Pacific that it wasn’t the software’s fault that his 200mb file was completely corrupted and no, it does not automatically create a back up file.

Uncontrollable: My parents not believing that Philippine holidays; including Christmas, are normal working days. It also didn’t help that I had the worst schedule ever and that it kept changing every 2 weeks.

Controllable: After 8 years, several call centers and a stint at Accenture; I had totally veered away from any artistic leanings. A few years back, I entered the Quality Assurance department. In the industry, these people are known as the police, the watchdogs and the naysayers. They are the know-it-alls, pointing out your mistakes and telling you how to do things right or better. This fit my anal-retentive self to a T because I spent my days which were technically nights, telling everybody that they were doing their jobs wrong. My resume, however, summarizes my job description as “Identifying areas of improvement through historical data analysis then formulating recommendations for the continual progression of identified metric, ranging from individual agents to entire sites.” I progressed from Quality Monitoring to Quality Assurance, then Process Improvement and finally Process Management.

Uncontrollable: The onset of boredom. Ennui. The problems were always the same, only the names of the people and the sizes of the groups changed. It was like ordering a steak well done, carving into it and seeing the blood ooze, sending it back and after 5 minutes, it arrives with a whole lot more gravy plus extra potatoes but the blood was still there. Screaming at the manager isn’t going to help. Better to just cook the steak yourself.

Controllable: Getting out and starting anew. Making sure I don’t die of a heart attack or a stress disorder.

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Author's note: I've decided to periodically update this because it might come in handy if I have an egotistical brain fart and decide to write my memoirs...